2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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