apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
