Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
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Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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