u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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