we're making bets on your personal life
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
