She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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