Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
