There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
