Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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