She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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