I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
