Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
