Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
