i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
