Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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