Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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