this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
