That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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