I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
did i walk over a car last night?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
