I can't watch pbs sober anymore
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
