Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
