Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
