Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
