i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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