We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
