The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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