I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
