if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
