I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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