my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
