What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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