I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
