Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
