it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
