you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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