I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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