Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
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So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head