your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just pee around me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
