I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
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