I think my fart just growled at me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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