I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
