Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
