I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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