Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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