I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
