Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
