life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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