I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
