It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
