the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
