I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
