My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
