i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
