just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
