I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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