He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I touched a dick in church today
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
